Today is just....one of those days. You know? A blogging day. Well, technically a blogging morning, as it is now 2:35 a.m. and I leave my "home" of the last eight months in just over twelve hours.
Today has been the most absurdly bittersweet day. Not as bittersweet as the night before I came here, but a similar feeling I always try to avoid.
I am reminded of the day I turned eighteen, became a real adult with real responsibility and extremely real and vivid fears pouring in. While most people have the time of their lives, party, look completely forward to their eighteenth, I was frightened. My fatal character flaw is definitely that am prone to overthinking, overanalyzing, overworking to death the happenings of the world around me. Therefore it is a perfect fit that I am a Psychology major, right? I think so. So, on this day, July 15th, 2010. I had already completed high school. I had already walked at graduation and received my diploma. I had already been accepted to college, chosen my schedule, and everything was set. All that was left was for me to make it official. On this day, I cried alot. I realized that everything was going to start changing. On this day, a tiny, almost indetectable hole worked its' way into my heart and has never quite left. On the contrary, it has only grown. At first I tried everything in my power to make it disappear, or at the very least help it to shrink. A few weeks into my arrival at my new life, my new home in Provo, Utah is when I discovered that that was impossible. So over the past few months I have learned to just adapt. That's the whole point of growing up, isn't it though? According to the theories in evolution (disclaimer: I am not a strict believer of this theory), state that species are over time expected to change and adapt to their new and changing environments. I have definitely experienced these similar changes, however they occured in my spirit and in my heart. I have come to learn that you cannot change your environments, you can only change and accept yourself. It is the hardest thing possible to do, and at the very same time, the most noble and respected act of human life. Too often, people allow their environments to define, and then become, who they are. Not allowing this to happen, therefore being willing and able to overcome these trying experiences, these new environments, and somehow finding a possibility of flourishing within them, when everything in our nature expects us not to, is the highest accomplishment anyone can hope to achieve. And though I haven't gotten there fully, I am proud to say I am close.
I leave David John in 12 hours. I will be sleeping in my full size, zebra striped (don't judge, I was fifteen or something) Texas bed in roughly 36 hours. I will be speaking to my best friend, extended sister, Stephanie Elise Peterson, Saturday night and surrounded by several old friends Monday evening. I will attend my home ward with the family and friends I grew up with just in time to celebrate Easter, our Saviour's resurrection, this Sunday. I will work two jobs, make enough for Paris and a car, I will go on picnics, I will ride my bicycle, I will climb rocks, I will play music, I will sing music, I will paint, and sew, and cook, and live, and attend school, and go see movies, and go on family vacations, and go on roadtrips, and see concerts, and go right back into my old routine. I know that I have been longing for this life for eight months. And I am so very excited to experience it, but again, it scares everything out of me to know that this will be the last time. This time next year I will (let's hope) be packing my bags and heading to europe, then again to maybe return to Texas to (let's hope, again) be an efy counselor, and focus solely on working and putting in mission papers, and then everything will be different. (I apologize that I keep alternating between italics and bold, it's fun). But yes. I have already accepted that the legendary "Sisterhood of the Traveling Man Sweater" will never be again what it was, we will all be split between our respective colleges and have to put forth true effort to continue contact. I'm willing, but preparing myself for changes. Oh goodness, these coming days are going to arrive faster than I will expect, but hopefully slow enough that I can be prepared for my future life.
I found this picture today (well, as with everything else, I stumbled on it), and it demonstrates perfectly the emotion I feel about the course of this life, and my place within it.
[A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams]
I would just like to take the next little while to make a tribute to everyone who have made my life brighter, better, and helped make this place feel like "home", which was so important to me because, if you read my recent post about home, it is a concept I am thoroughly confused about right now.
(Don't worry friends, your facebooks have been thoroughly stalked in order to find the best pictures to use, I figure you all deserve a good one.)
...so...please don't be freaked out...
...so...please don't be freaked out...
Holly (Ariel*) Henrich.
*Sorry about the middle name, love. I couldn't help it.
For more detailed information on this wonderful girl, please refer to my previous post. I could keep going, but that seems a little over-the-top. So for all good things "Holly" just scroll down.
But...here's a picture, as all of the other ones were taken at about 3 am and not entirely flattering. But she is BEAUTIFUL, inside and out!
This post is obvious. This amazing girl is not only my roommate, but has been such a remarkable friend to me over the past three years. I have known her since we were about six, but I am so grateful that church and theatre has brought us together and provided someone that I could live with, turn to, joke and laugh with, stay up crazy late with doing absolutely nothing worthwile, and become crazy close to. I am sorry to know that she is leaving, however I completely understand why, and I am so proud of her and her accomplishments and can't wait to see everything I know she will accomplish in the future. Thanks for everything. Truly, everything.
Cierra (Alohilani) Ashdown
Your middle name was just too fun to leave out!
I am so grateful to have lived across the hall from you for the last eight months and (eventually) getting to know you. It took a little while, but once we became friends it was so very easy. I love your optimistic carefree attitude about life, and how well you know what you want, and are not afraid to ask for it. You balance me out so well, and I love when we watch SNL together and listen to rap music (which I secretly love), and dance to the Chilean National Anthem, and the list goes on and on! You love life, your smile lights up my day, and I hope one day I can visit you in the OC.
**Cierra, despite the fact that she has 9823880234 pictures on facebook, did not have any super-glammed up ones like I had hoped, but she is still so very beautiful! I thought this picture of her and Andy Samberg (a mutual obsession) was therefore quite fitting.
I am so glad, so so so glad I got to know you Scott! You were such an amazing friend to me! I am so glad I was given the opportunity to go to the dance with you, and go to Costa Vida all the time, hike the Y, share our scary similar taste in music as well as our stalker-like obsession with NatPort, LACKSWA, the imdb top 250, Once, etc etc. You were always so great at lifting others up and making them feel like a million bucks, you are not afraid to express yourself and help everyone to feel loved and accepted. You have such a strong testimony that I loved hearing, and I appreciate so much the time I got to spend with you. KEEP IN TOUCH this summer. I hope I get to see you in the fall before you enter the MTC and you better believe we will keep in touch even while you are serving the Lord. Miss you already, so much.
First friend (other than Corinne) at BYU. I love you so so much! I am so grateful for everything we have experienced this year. I'm so happy to be in the same major as you, and I know that we will certainly be seeing more of each other over the years, studying Psychology and analyzing life (as Psych majors do). I loved sharing Reber's class with you this semester (even though the two and a half hours definitely always made us quite anxious and dying to get out). I am so grateful for all the help and support you've given me, showing me the importance of asking for help when I need it, and always being there for me. I can tell you anything! You always speak your mind, you are so smart, and I will miss you so much.
You are so beautiful Katrina, and I am so grateful to be living across the hall from you, too! The moment I moved in, I could feel how loving you were to everyone around you, with your incredible hugs and caring personality, and you have such an incredible way of making everyone you meet feel right at home. I love your original, beautiful sense of style, your pretty blonde hair, your singing voice, oh my goodness it is amazing, as well as your taste in music. The fact that you are from New York makes me a pretty big fan of you, as well. I had so much fun learning (sleeping) through Psych 111 and American Heritage with you, and I appreciate more than you can possibly realize your constant dedication to the ward choir! Our "Come Thou Fount" was a miraculous event, and I couldn't have done it without you! You always ask how everyone's day is going, truly care, and always manage to put a smile on the faces of me and everyone else :) I love you!
Not a DJ girl, but my oh my have she and I been through everything this year! I am SO grateful to have met you and have been able to have experienced such a big event that taught us so many lessons about ourselves and our lives in general. I owe you bigtime for that, because I could not have done it without you and chances are that we could both still be stuck in the same rotten situation had we never met and become such great friends. You and I have some scary similarities, but it makes me even more happy that we have gotten so close! I sincerely hope we stay in touch, and can continue to have many, many, many more Cup-O-Noodles parties! I hope your summer staying here will go great and I can't wait to see you again this fall! You are great!
Krista Marie....I cannot express how grateful I am to have met you years ago. Efy has such an incredible way of bringing people together and forming lifelong friendships. I am so sad that we were unable to spend as much time together this year as I hoped, but THAT WILL CHANGE. You are such an amazing person, and have been such an incredible friend. I loved how we were able to bond over music and theatre our first year together at efy, what a great, inspired match! That was certainly not a coincidence. You are so sweet, caring and strong, and I can't wait to be able to spend more time with you, and perhaps (hopefully) we could even meet up sometime this summer in Texas?
I realized as I was reading back through these tributes that I said the phrase "so much", well....so much. I am feeling plenty of emotions, but I figure that is the best way I could express to each of you just how "so much" you have impacted my life and how I wish, no, i know our paths will all cross again.
[i wish/i'm glad]
I obviously wish I had more answers for what is to come, but
I'm glad at this point many of the big things are still shrouded in mystery. That a big part of my life is still in God's caring, all-knowing hands.
In parting, I am so happy to know that the movie identities of my loves from The Hunger Games have been chosen! I am certain that the movie will never do these books (that kept me away from so much homework) justice, but it is still nice to be able to put a face to the descriptions of
In absolute final parting....
A human being is part of the whole, called by us "universe," limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons close to us.
Our task must be to free ourselves from our prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all humanity and the whole of nature in its beauty.
How truly endless is the beauty of this earth we were given, and our opportunities to make the most of every day living upon it.
Savor every lasting moment, and
All my love, B.