Another feelings post. Head's up.
I guess you could call today another one of those uphill days. I talked earlier about how there are some days when I am absolutely certain that this is not my ball game and I am totally out of my zone this year? Exhibit A: September 30, 2012.
After a long week of literally working myself into the ground and the onset of my annual start-of-cold-weather sickness, followed by a long morning of church meetings, I was able to come home early and sleep it all off a little.
So this evening I went to eat at my aunt's house
(By aunt, I mean my honorary Utah-aunt, Char, who was my roommate in France and lives with her darling husband in Draper. It's easier to just refer to her as my aunt than launching into the complicated story about how she uprooted her entire happily married life for six and a half weeks to study in France without her husband... so Char's just my aunt. Good? Good.)
The main point of this post is this:
When I came home after dinner and tried to go to our ward's weekly waffle party, I was finally able to put into words an off-feeling I've been having since the beginning of the semester.
I don't know what I could be doing different, or better, and I really want to...but I feel so disconnected.
I know it's my responsibility to get out there and get to know people, and socialize and set the best possible example. But I'm worried I'm giving off some air of unavailability or disinterest, and it absolutely breaks my heart when I think that I might be conducting myself in a way that makes people feel like I don't want to know what is going on in their lives.
I guess at this point, I just want to make it abundantly clear that I want nothing more than to know you.
My life is a hectic, crazy mess at the moment, but I want to be a good leader, an available, loving, righteous example of a leader too.
I want everyone to know the following:
even though I've been assigned to and accepted a role of leadership and high scrutiny,
I am just like you. I can't stress this enough.
I buy tickets to go to see Imagine Dragons and Awolnation and completely forget that the General Relief Society broadcast is the same night.
I'm a pretty terrible driver.
My face looks like a pepperoni pizza at the moment.
I have She's the Man pajama party movie nights with my best friends.
I'm not perfect. In fact, I'll come right out and say it:
If I haven't done it, I can guarantee I've wanted to.
I have an extensive list of very real, very scary skeletons in my proverbial closet. I have worked day and night to overcome these things for years and years, but I still have off days. So please understand that if you catch me red-handed wearing something I shouldn't or saying something less-than-acceptable, please understand that this a mistake, and no longer a habit.
So for this reason,
I'll never judge you. Literally. There is 100% absolutely nothing you could possibly say that would take me by surprise or make me think you're less of a person. Unless you, like, chainsaw massacred an entire village while cracked up on cocain. Or something like that. But I don't see this being an issue.
Yes, I'm stressed, but that doesn't make me unavailable. I average a cool 3-4 hours of sleep per night, thanks to homework and my uncanny ability to stall until the last second, but it's in the job description to be always happy and willing to talk. And I absolutely am. If I am doing my job to do everything in my power to put a smile on your face, everything else will inevitably take care of itself. Don't ever feel like you're putting another thing on my plate by wanting to come over and have a conversation.
Any step towards a new friendship is never a waste of time.
As I mentioned in my About me tab,
I already love you, even if I don't know you yet.
From the bottom of my heart, this is absolutely true.
I've had a pathetic lack of photos here on the blog for the past little while, so I guess since I haven't officially unveiled my new darker and shorter hair, hereyago:
cute friends at the ID concert in SLC
weekend trip to grandpa's medical conference
Shirt: Cotton On sunglasses:rayban
Fun friends on the lawn watching the Holy War game
Go get a good night's sleep to end this beautiful, warm Sunday, and get ready for another awesome week!
All my love, B.